Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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