ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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