We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
