I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
