The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
