Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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