I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
