the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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