she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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