Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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