Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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