the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
