Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
