if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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