i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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