i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dick very happy bro
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
