oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
