the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
