I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
its liver damage thursday
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
