he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
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