We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
