I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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