is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize