you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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