so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
