Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
