when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
