Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
