whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
