so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My liver just had a heart attack.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
