Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize