I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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