Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
