Christians are straight up FREAKS
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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