the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
