is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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