So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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