You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
