If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
