I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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