Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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