My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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