I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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