I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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