yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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