So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
