im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
