Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
