Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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