I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
