Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
