I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize