Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
