We're facebook friends in real life
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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