I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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