it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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